Just A Rainy Day Girl

We All Need Saving

Rating: PG-13

Characters: Sam, Dean, mentions of Ruby

Word Count: 1,274 words

Warnings: tad bit AU, rating for language

Disclaimer: I don’t own them. Damn. I don’t own the song that inspired it either.

Summary: A fic response to misformazing's wonderful video. Inspired by Jon McLaughlin's "We All Need Saving". He needed Dean to see that, needed Dean to understand that she wasn’t a replacement, would never come close.

“Ruby came back for me. Whatever you have to say, she saved me. What she said to me, it’s what you would’ve said.” Sam looked into his brother’s eyes and willed him to understand each and every nuance of that statement.

Losing Dean … well Sam couldn’t exactly put into words what it had felt like. There was a gaping black hole in his chest, in his life, that just couldn’t be filled no matter how hard he tried. Alcohol lessened the pain, but it was still there, lingering just under the surface until he was sober enough to feel its pin pricks.

He knew he was losing himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Dean wouldn’t be proud of him. Dean wanted him to buck up and soldier on just like good Winchesters do. Only problem was Sam was the only Winchester left, he had no one to keep him in check and make sure he towed the line. And each day the slack grew and grew until his grip faltered completely.

Dean’s screams echoed in Sam’s head when he was asleep, Dean’s voice and his orders played on a continuous loop while he was drunk. But it was always silent when he was sober. That alone was enough to make him tip the bottle back once more, just so he could have that little piece of Dean remain with him.

It might have been crazy but after everything, after everyone he’d lost in his life, he thought he deserved it.

He’d lost his father to the demon. The same demon that took his mother, that took his Jess, that had destroyed his life and torn his entire family asunder. Dad had up and made a deal, leaving them high and dry. He and Dean’s last good-byes were silent tears over a smoldering pile of ashes.

Although that was pretty close to the same end he had with Jess. His sweet, innocent Jessica who did nothing wrong except fall for the completely wrong guy at the right time. He never got a proper good-bye with her. Just a quick kiss to her cheek as he fled the apartment while she was alive. And a blood-curdling scream, a plea and a prayer, when she was already dead on their ceiling. It was only Dean’s strong arms pulling him out that kept Sam from staying right there in the fire and going with her.

And his mom … well he never really knew her, just her dying sacrifice to save his life, her body pinned to the ceiling above his crib. But then he saw her spirit, saw her burn up right before his eyes once again and he was helpless to stop it. He never got to thank her, to tell her that he loved her, that he was sorry. He never got to say good-bye. It was only Dean’s hand on his shoulders that kept him from crashing to his knees in the kitchen of their childhood home when her spirit was gone.

Madison, however, he did get to say good-bye too. He had looked straight into her beautiful eyes as he raised the gun, pressed the muzzle to her chest and pulled the trigger. Dean was the only thing that kept Sam on his feet and moving after the echoing of the gunshot had died down.

It was always Dean, he realized. Dean was always there, by his side, acting as foundation and extra limbs and common sense. Dean was there with him for his greatest losses and his biggest successes.

Like when he pulled the trigger and put an end to the yellow eyed demon and his hunt for their family’s blood. Dean had been the one to clap him on the back, snapping him out of his stupor with a shit-eat grin and a witty remark.

It was always Dean … until Dean wasn’t there either. Until Sam was left abandoned and broken with no clue of how to fix it.

Sam had needed Ruby. She was a check and balance when he was off kilter, a teacher when he was eager to learn, and a firm-handed mentor when he strayed off course. But she was also a constant reminder that he couldn’t save Dean, that he wasn’t good enough, smart enough, fast enough to save his brother. She keep the fire burning deep in belly until it could finally burst free when it came time to face off with Lilith.

He needed Dean to see that, needed Dean to understand that she wasn’t a replacement, would never come close. She was something he needed when he couldn’t get what he wanted and nothing else was working.

He hadn’t fallen under her spell easy either. He’d fought her tooth and nail for every inch she gained on him. He was afraid because she made him feel when it was so much easier to be numb. She made him living when he was so close to dead on the inside. She made him good and strong and successful when he was so close to failing.

But with each and every soft word she spoke, with each and every fleeting touch, she broke down his barriers until he could no longer deny her.

“I still remember what it feels like to be human,” she had whispered to him. And she had made him remember what it felt like, when he was so close to becoming nothing.

She saved him and he owed her his life.

“Ruby came back for me. Whatever you have to say, she saved me. What she said to me it’s what you would’ve said.”

Dean can see the emotions in his brother’s eyes, barely disguised and hiding behind tears. But he could see the truth, could feel the conviction in Sam’s words.

The tale he wove of sorrow and woe, of drinking himself to oblivion and making deals with demons, it just didn’t sound like his brother. He wanted to take Sam by the shoulder’s and give him a good shake; he wished he could go back and smack that Sam upside the head and sober him up. Sam never got drunk, never that consistently without someone around to watch his back. But he still remembered the pit in his stomach, the ache in his chest that just wouldn’t abate no matter what he tried when Sam was dead.

Dean couldn’t find fault with his brother, but it was still hard to listen to.

Sam had lost so many people in his life; he never deserved it. And when Dean wasn’t there, Sam had turned to the only other person he felt he could trust.

He wanted to hate Ruby, wished he could plug one of the Colt’s bullets in her skull and be done with it, but he couldn’t deny the fact that she had saved his brother. Sam had been headed down a hard and terrible, dead end road after Dean had been dragged to Hell. And she had come in and perched on his shoulder like a little fallen angel. She’d sobered him up and got him back into hunting, even if it wasn’t a way he exactly approved of. And hey, she also got Sam to relieve some stress. All in all it would normally thrill him that Sam had someone else to lean on, except for the fact that she had taken Dean’s place. And she was a demonic bitch.

But she had saved Sam, and no matter who you are, that still gets you points in Dean Winchester’s book. Guess he would have to thank her the next chance he got.

end.

misformazing